A few weeks ago I attended my school prom and I didn’t really expect that I’d want to write about it. Generally, I tend to choose topics to do with disability and write about them rather than focusing on personal experiences but I really wanted to share my experience of going to prom because it ended up being a lot more meaningful for me than just going to a big party.
I’ve written so much about my time at school and how it has been really challenging for me physically, mentally and socially. Even in my final year of struggled a lot, so originally I wasn’t keen on going to prom. I just wanted school to end and the thought of seeing everyone again afterwards gave me a lot of anxiety but eventually my assistants at school had convinced me that I should go to prom and I just thought you know what it’s one day of my life, it’s not that deep.
And so, the dress hunt began… I was tempted to go for a suit because I do love a good blazer moment but my assistant that I’m very close with was set on me looking all pretty and wearing a dress (and I am also a bit of a sucker for a pretty dress) so I found a second hand dress online and that was me sorted. I think every girl going to prom will tell you this but I definitely felt a bit of pressure to look just as pretty as everyone else. As much as I hate beauty standards and acknowledge that they only exist because we live in a patriarchal society that places value on women based on their appearance – I wanted to look pretty. Throughout school I never really put much effort into my appearance either so I wanted to show people that I scrubbed up well. There was another major difference in my appearance from school though… I decided not to take my wheelchair to prom. I was in my electric wheelchair for the majority of my days at school and I’d always felt like it separated me from everyone else so I wanted to see if not being in my wheelchair would change the way I was treated…
The preparation for prom was just as fun as the actual night. I put some fake tan on, dyed my hair again and one of my ex-teachers even offered to do my nails which was really kind of her. I’d missed going in so I was thrilled to be back and I ended up just having this really lovely conversation about school and university with her as she fought against my shaky hands to get my nails done. This conversation also made me realise how much I’d lacked confidence at school as she encouraged me to put myself out there more socially and I decided I was going to do exactly that at prom. It was the last time I would be with my year group anyway so I had nothing to lose.
The day arrived and I was so excited. I was obviously quite anxious not having seen anyone from school since my last day but my personal assistant was helping me get ready and she started to get me in the spirit to party. I had to let go of the social anxiety that had controlled me for the past few years, and even though I didn’t have super close friends at school, I had to remind myself that I genuinely did have friends there that were excited to see me. Once I went into the hotel that prom was in, things just seemed totally different from school – same people but a different environment. I had also found this confidence from feeling like I looked good and wanting to be seen. I was saying hi to everyone, telling them all how good they looked, it seems like such a normal thing but looking back I never had the confidence to act like that in school.
I also wasn’t with any of my assistants from school, they were there and I caught up with them but I was sitting with girls from my year, on a normal seat, like everyone else. It made me feel a little sad that I had never really felt that way at school but it also gave me so much hope for my future that I didn’t always have to feel separate from everyone else and that in fact, I could feel like just another teenager. My pastoral care teacher had arranged for my food to be cut up from the kitchen which meant no adults were going to come over to help me, I was totally independent and it made me feel so part of everything. The music was pretty loud throughout so it was a struggle at times to keep up with conversation but this was kind of a problem for everyone so I wasn’t massively bothered.
This may sound strange but I was also free to just get up and go to the bathroom with everyone else and if you know, you know that the girls bathroom is much more than just a place one does the toilet. The girls bathroom is where the selfies are taken, the gossip is had and I communal space for women around the world. I never really used the girls bathroom at school, I had always used an accessible bathroom so being able to go to the bathroom with everyone else was so nice and I just felt so part of everything. There was just this total acceptance and inclusion of me from everyone that night that I didn’t expect at all and I wish I could’ve felt that throughout school. It showed me that in fact, people in my year had always wanted to include me and perhaps just never known how to. It makes me look back at how apprehensive I was about going to prom and feel really glad that I just went for it.
After a while I became pretty exhausted pretty quickly and the night was beginning to descend into possibly non-sober chaos. I became too tired to keep dancing and talking so as my assistant was leaving I just decided to go as well. I was worried I’d regret not staying later but I think I got out of it everything that I needed to. It was just one night but it was really special and I felt like it ended my school experience on a high. It’s also showed me that I need to just let go of the social anxiety that I’ve been hiding behind and just put myself out there more.
Buttons and Ramps 